Stalkeriffic

A fond farewell

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 06:51:16 GMT

Hi everyone,

It is at long last and with some trepidation that I have decided to once and for all leave irishmarigold the LJ behind. This has been part of my identity for almost four years and it's pretty weird to think that I am phasing it out of my life, but I think the time has come and I have changed enough that I am ready to leave this behind and go on. I won't be deleting it, but I won't be posting here ever again.

HOWEVER - I have started a new journal and would like to carry anyone and everyone over there. If you are still interested in being LJ friends with me, I invite you to go to woodnote, friend it, and leave a comment at the introductory post. It's a journal that I've invited some non-LJ friends and family to read in order to keep in touch when I'm in Belgium, but I may also from time to time make f-locked posts and so if you have any interest in remaining in touch with me through LJ, please just comment and add me. I'll definitely add you all back!

So in closing, thanks everyone. This LJ hasn't been huge by any means, but it has meant a lot to me and I appreciate people sticking around for my erstwhile use of it. I hope to see you all over at woodnote and if I don't, I hope I understand why.

Goodnight!

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 06:46:32 GMT

So uh... I think I met someone. Yeah, I think I did.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 08:49:59 GMT

I should have been in bed hours ago, because I have to work early and I'll be tired tomorrow, but that's okay. And I guess that's kind of the theme of this post - things are okay.

Do you know how good it feels to fly down a hill at night with your windows down and your music loud? It's perfect: the night is warm, the wind is cool and smells like summer, you know all the words to every song and the open road in front of you has a siren song like no other. It seems like nothing can stop you. Not true, of course, because the hill ends and you hit traffic and then there's your exit, but that's okay, because if everything was a downhill fly then pretty soon it wouldn't feel like flying anymore and the CD would end anyway and you'd probably get into an accident trying to switch discs at that speed.

I've come to find that many things in life are okay now; things I previously would have found depressing or one-sided. But there are two sides to every coin and life deals out some killer blows, but then there's the hot EMT who shines a light in your eye to check your pupils while you're lying half-conscious on the sidewalk and he holds your hand on the way to the hospital and then when you're all cleaned up you convince him to have sex with you in the back of the ambulance when he's off for the night. The point is, things even out.

So, I've decided that it's okay that my ex now hates me and blew off our plans for the concert, because out there is a man who will love me one day and I will love him and it will not be tortured and dramatic, but right and happy and we will fit and he won't mind it if I decide that I like his music. Plus, there are few things like being single and on the prowl that are more fun and getting to flirt shamelessly and guiltlessly with whoever catches the eye is a hell of a lot of fun, at least until I find a fit.

It's also okay that I've lost some friends, or that they've drifted onto other things and other people who they care about more, because, well, it's right there: they care more, and maybe those people are more right for them than I was, and maybe the people I have found along the way are more right for me, at least for the time being. Plus, it shows even more clearly who exactly it is that cares about you and really will stick by you, and who you can stick by, and knowing that those people are there and have been for years, even when you were dazzled by things you thought were bigger and better, is heartening like no other.

Maybe all of this is just trivial and when life throws a real wrench into the gears, I won't feel like this, but experiences are relative and four months ago I never would have said I could feel like this about everything that's happened, so I guess the real lesson is that sticking it out is ninety percent of succeeding and eventually, most anything resolves itself into bittersweet and fading memories rather than open wounds and fresh scars. And you know, it's also okay to have a past, because life is trial by error and if anyone can tell you that they like only who you are now, they're lying, because there is no being without becoming and there is no learning without lessons, and all that really does matter is which lesson you learned, not so much how you learned it.

It feels good for tomorrow to be exciting.

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 06:18:50 GMT

For anyone who isn't already aware, I am leaving tomorrow for New York and will be there until the 8th. See you all in a couple of weeks!

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 21:08:14 GMT

It's true that pain is an inescapable part of life. We will all get hurt, and we will all suffer, and we will all be forced to make the decision to either move on or be low indefinitely. That's not to say that we should not feel sorrow, or acknowledge it, because it is just as much a part of life as the moving forward from it. But there does come a time when sadness is no longer meaningful, when mourning is unproductive and restricting rather than introspective and healing.

I think that time has come. I don't really like it when music changes my way of thinking or when a song can drastically alter my current mindset, I think in part because I'm always afraid that if I personally don't choose to change how I'm thinking, it's not a real change. But I do think that in this case, hearing a song and realizing it's message is true and personally meaningful is okay. Even so, this might sound a little cheesy.

The Velvet Teen just released a new EP, a teaser for their new album coming out in July. I've loved this band since I first saw them and they're the only great memory I have from a bad night at the end of a soured relationship. I got the EP yesterday and I think their new song is going to be one that will stay with me for a long time. It's amazing, the way the tone of a song, written by a total stranger without me in mind can be so wholly uplifting, can generate such hope. But it has. It's the kind of song that makes a sad heart long to love again, and to be excited for when the time comes that someone new is there and deserves all of the passion and love that the lyrics convey.

People don't always fit, and bad things happen and there is fault and pain and anger, but in the midst of all that there is potential, that no matter what bad happens, no matter how much sadness there is, happiness will come again and the misery will have tought us enough to realize that what we have is precious and should be cherished and nourished, and that we need never make the same mistakes twice.

Click to download The Velvet Teen - GyzmKid.
View the lyrics here.

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 18:52:28 GMT

So, he went through and took out all of the pictures of us from his Facebook albums. I guess it was to be expected, but still.

I wish I knew how I felt, but I don't think it's good. Why is this still so hard?

Sun, 28 May 2006 07:22:29 GMT

Ok - I know LiveJournal isn't really the best way to reach people, as there are very few people with whom I often communicate who are on LJ, and probably even fewer who read my journal anymore (namely because I never update, so there would generally be no reason). Either way, I feel compelled to make this statement to whomever might be out there in the ether.

I need to stop being what I am, right now. At this point, my hugest fear is being alone, but I realize that if I am going to be alone, I need to do it on my terms, and be able to tackle it instead of just letting it crush me. This last week has been a complete regression for me. I had finally reached a point at which I thought I could be happy, or at least accepting, of the way things are, and the rug got pulled out from under me once again. I have no control anymore of the way I feel and the path I am on, and that scares me. I have always been a strong believer in Eleanor Roosevelt's statement that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and I think in large part that applies to many other parts of life as well. No one is making me feel the way I am, and yet, I cannot seem to pull myself from this rut. The crying, the wishing that I could go back and change things, the inconsolable longing for what is gone and cannot come back, has all reentered my mind and my heart. I have become reobsessed with my situation and have moved further from leaving everything behind and moving forward than I think I have at any other time in the past two months. After all of this time, I have no excuse for my uncontrollable emotions anymore.

So, in an attempt to do at least something to perhaps remove me from this pit that I am in, I am changing my habits. At this point, my entire life reminds me of what I no longer have and it devastates me everytime I go through my normal motions. Therefore, I must find something new for myself, something that carries few or no reminders of what was, something that can maybe push me forward. For the next indefinite amount of time, I will not be checking LJ or Facebook. I don't mean this to be an insult to any of my friends, because I'm not trying to remove myself from your lives and it's not that I'm no longer interested, but the semi-crazed, neurotic refreshing of websites is starting to scare me a little, especially because I know I'm looking for something that isn't going to appear when I refresh the 5th time or the 500th time. I just need to be able to tell people that I'm fine and actually mean it, and right now I am everything but fine. I hope everyone will still be around when I can come back, and if anyone ever needs or wants to talk, my cell phone is on all the time. Thanks, everyone, and I hope that I will be back sooner rather than later, for my own sake as much as anything else.

Thu, 25 May 2006 05:58:44 GMT

So, I'd really like to salvage at least some semblance of a social outing this weekend. I'll be in the Kent/Covington area for at least Friday-Sunday and potentially Monday, so if anyone is available, let me know!

Thu, 25 May 2006 02:27:41 GMT

So, I guess being made to feel like shit once this week wasn't quite enough. Thanks, world.

Frankenstein Mix 1.0

Thu, 04 May 2006 00:07:24 GMT

A song you would use to pump up a sports arena: Bear Vs. Shark, "Six Bar Phrase Hey Hey"

A song you dance to when you're alone: Goo Goo Dolls, "Big Machine"

A song that makes you drive faster: The Blood Brothers, "Fucking's Greatest Hits"

A song with a title that ends in n: Coheed & Cambria, "Junesong Provision"

A song you completely misunderstood the first time you heard it: Third Eye Blind, "Semi-Charmed Life"

A song you only like half of the time: Pretty Girls Make Graves, "The New Romance"

A song that mentions gambling: Minus the Bear, "The Game Needed Me"

We don't have money / so we can't lose it

A song that could inspire a novel: The Decemberists, "Eli, The Barrow Boy"

Eli

An educational song: The Cranberries, "Yeats' Grave"

A song you know is a cover song, but for which you've never heard the original: AFI, "Today's Lesson"

A song that made you cry shamelessly when it was used on a TV show: Imogen Heap, "Hide & Seek"

A song you wish TPTB would use on a TV show: Jimmy Eat World, "Goodbye Sky Harbour"

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 07:26:58 GMT

This is a great idea prompted by Kevin. Reminds me of PostSecret, but easier for us non-creative types.

- List 10 things you want to say to people but know you never will.
- Don't say who they are.
- Never discuss it again.

1. You are a complete and utter bastard, but instead of hating you I only hate myself.
2. I feel bad for being cold toward you, but you annoy the hell out of me.
3. I've been smiling and nodding for a long time, and I hate myself for my superior attitude.
4. You use everyone else as an excuse for your own failings. Get over yourself and buck up - the world's not out to get you, so don't flatter yourself.
5. You're lazy and inconsiderate.
6. You were the catalyst for my downward spiral and my name probably never even crosses your mind anymore.
7. I don't care if you had the best of intentions, your practices were and are bullshit.
8. I don't know how to tell you that we've grown apart.
9. You were the shining spot in the darkest part of my life and I'm scared that I'll get forgotten as you progress in your life and your friendships.
10. I will never feel good enough for you, but I will never give you up until you take the first step.

Comments disabled, but I doubt most people would even be able to figure out who's being implicated anyway.

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 04:51:34 GMT

Feel free to disregard this, unless you want one of these albums. It's mostly for my own reference.

!!!
-!!!
-Louden Up Now

A New Found Glory
-New Found Glory
-Nothing Gold Can Stay

A Perfect Circle - Thirteenth Step

ABBA
-Complete Golden collection
-The Definitive Collection

AFI
-336
-AFI EP
-All Hallow's EP
-Black Sails In The Sunset
-Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Eyes
-Sing The Sorrow
-The Art Of Drowning

Against Me! - Reinventing Axl Rose

Air - 10,000 Hz Legend

Akimbo
-City Of The Stars
-Elephantine
-Forging Steel, Laying Stone

Alanis Morissette
-Jagged Little Pill
-Jagged Little Pill Acoustic

Alkaline Trio
-Crimson
-From Here To Infirmary
-Goddamnit!
-Good Mourning

Anberlin
-Blueprints for the Black Market
-Never Take Friendship Personal

Ani DiFranco
-Dilate
-Little Plastic Castle

Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works 85-92

The Arcade Fire - Funeral

At The Drive-In - Relationship of Command

Atreyu - Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses

Bear vs. Shark - Terrorhawk

Ben Folds
-Rockin' the Suburbs
-Songs for Silverman

Ben Folds Five - Whatever and Ever Amen

Bikini Kill - Pussy Whipped

Blink-182
-blink-182
-Enema of the State

The Blood Brothers
-Burn, Piano Island, Burn
-Crimes
-March On Electric Children
-This Adultery Is Ripe

Botch
-An Anthology of Dead Ends
-We Are The Romans

Brand New
-Deja Entendu
-Your Favorite Weapon

Broken Social Scene
-Broken Social Scene
-Feel Good Lost
-You Forgot It In People

Cat Power - You Are Free

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

The Clash - London Calling

Coheed and Cambria
-Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV
-In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3
-The Second Stage Turbine Blade
-Penelope E.P. (Shabutie)

Coldplay
-A Rush of Blood to the Head
-Parachutes
-X & Y

Converge - Jane Doe

The Cranberries
-Bury the Hatchet
-Everyone Else Is Doing It So Why Can't We?
-No Need to Argue
-Stars: The Best of 1992-2002
-Wake Up And Smell the Coffee

Cursive
-Burst and Bloom
-Cursive's Domestica
-The Ugly Organ

Daphne Loves Derby - Closing Down the Pattern Department

Death Cab for Cutie
-Forbidden Love EP
-Plans
-Something About Airplanes
-The Photo Album
-Transatlanticism
-We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes
-You Can Play These Songs With Chords

Death From Above 1979 - You're A Woman, I'm a Machine

The Decemberists
-5 Songs
-Picaresque
-The Tain

Deftones - Deftones

The Descendents - Cool To Be You

Dntel - Life is Full of Possibilities

Dredg - El Cielo

The Early November - The Room's Too Cold

Elliott Smith - Either/Or

Enya
-Amarantine
-Box of Dreams (3-disk set)

The Faint
-Blank Wave Arcade
-Danse Macabre
-Wet From Birth

The Fall of Troy - Fall of Troy

Fall Out Boy - From Under the Cork Tree

Fiona Apple
-Extraordinary Machine
-Tidal
-When The Pawn...

The Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin

The Format - Interventions and Lullabies

Franz Ferdinand
-Franz Ferdinand
-You Could Have It So Much Better

Frou Frou - Details

Gatsby's American Dream - Ribbons and Sugar

Godspeed You! Black Emperor - F#A# (Infinity)

Goo Goo Dolls
-Dizzy Up The Girl
-Gutterflower

Grandaddy - Under the Western Freeway

Guster - Keep It Together

Harkonen/These Arms Are Snakes - Like a Virgin Split EP

Heart - Dreamboat Annie

Hot Water Music - A Flight and a Crash

Idlewild - The Remote Part

Imogen Heap
-I Megaphone
-Speak For Yourself

Incubus
-A Crow Left of the Murder
-Make Yourself
-Morning View

Interpol
-Antics
-Turn On The Bright Lights

Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days

Jeff Buckley - Grace

Jimmy Eat World
-Bleed American
-Clarity
-Futures
-Stay On My Side Tonight EP

The Joggers - With A Cape and a Cane

The Juliana Theory
-Emotion Is Dead
-Love

The Kaiser Chiefs - Employment

Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway

The Killers - Hot Fuss

The Kinison
-Mortgage is Bank
-What Are You Listening To?

Kyuss - Blues for the Red Sun

Lacuna Coil - Comalies

Le Tigre
-Le Tigre
-This Island

Maroon 5 - Songs About Jane

The Mars Volta
-De-Loused in the Comatorium
-Frances the Mute
-Tremulant EP

Matchbox Twenty
-Mad Season
-Yourself or Someone Like You

Me First and the Gimme Gimmies
-Blow In The Wind
-Ruin Jonny's Bar Mitzvah

mewithoutYou
-A to B Life
-Catch For Us The Foxes

Midtown
-Forget What You Know
-Living Well is the Best Revenge

Millencolin - Pennybridge Pioneers

Minus the Bear
-Highly Refined Pirates
-Menos El Oso
-They Make Beer Commercials Like This EP
-This Is What I Know About Being Gigantic EP

Mogwai - Rock Action

Motion City Soundtrack - I Am The Movie

Murder By Death - Who Will Survive and What Will Become of Them?

Muse - Absolution

My Bloody Valentine - Loveless

My Chemical Romance
-I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love
-Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge

My Morning Jacket
-It Still Moves
-Z

Nada Surf - Let Go

Neon Blonde - Chandeliers In The Savannah

Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea

New Order - Best Of New Order

The New Pornographers
-Mass Romantic
-Twin Cinema

Nirvana - Bleach

No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom

Oasis
-(What's the Story) Morning Glory?
-Be Here Now
-Definitely Maybe

Our Lady Peace
-Clumsy
-Happiness is Not A Fish That You Can Catch
-Healthy In Paranoid Times
-Spiritual Machines

Panic! At The Disco - A Fever You Can't Sweat Out

Paul Oakenfold - Bunkka

Pedro the Lion - Control

The Pixies
-Doolittle
-Surfer Rosa

Placebo - Black Market Music

Porcupine Tree - Lightbulb Sun

The Postal Service - Give Up

Pretty Girls Make Graves
-Good Health
-The New Romance

The Prize Fighter Inferno - My Brother's Blood Machine

Prodigy - Music for the Jilted Generation

Queen - Greatest Hits I & II

Radiohead
-Kid A
-OK Computer
-The Bends

Refused - The Shape of Punk to Come

Rise Against
-Revolutions Per Minute
-Siren Song of the Counter Culture

Rocky Votolato - Suicide Medicine

Rosie Thomas - Only With Laughter Can You Win

Roy - Big City Sin and Small Town Redemption

Rufus Wainwright
-Poses
-Want One
-Want Two

Savage Garden - Savage Garden

Saves the Day
-In Reverie
-Stay What You Are
-Through Being Cool
-Ups and Downs: Early Recordings and B-Sides

Schoolyard Heroes - The Funeral Sciences

The Shins
-Chutes Too Narrow
-Oh, Inverted World

Sigur Rós
-( )
-Ágætis Byrjun
-Takk

Simon & Garfunkel - The Essential Simon & Garfunkel

Sleater-Kinney
-Dig Me Out
-One Beat
-The Woods

Some Girls - Heaven's Pregnant Teens

Sondre Lerche - Two Way Monologue

Stellastarr*
-Harmonies For The Haunted
-Stellastarr*

Stereolab - Emperor Tomato Ketchup

The Streets
-A Grand Don't Come For Free
-Original Pirate Material

System of a Down
-Hypnotize/Mesmerize
-System of a Down
-Toxicity

T. Rex - The Very Best of Marc Bolan and T. Rex

Taking Back Sunday
-Tell All Your Friends
-Where You Want To Be

Tegan & Sara
-If It Was You
-So Jealous

These Arms Are Snakes
-Oxeneers or the Lion Sleeps When Its Antelope Go Home
-This Is Meant to Hurt You EP

Third Eye Blind
-Blue
-Out of the Vein
-Third Eye Blind

Thursday
-Full Collapse
-Waiting
-War All The Time

Tori Amos
-Boys for Pele
-Under the Pink

The Used - The Used

The Velvet Teen
-Elysium
-Out of the Fierce Parade

Vendetta Red - Sisters of the Red Death

Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want

Visqueen - King Me

Waxwing - One For the Ride

The Weakerthans
-Fallow
-Left & Leaving
-Reconstruction Site

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever To Tell

Yo La Tengo - I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 01:05:05 GMT

Since I have a French composition and an 8-10 pg. Geography paper due tomorrow, plus a poster to make and 3 finals to study for, I'm doing another meme. Sorry to spam all the f-lists.

Life: Still either a) not exciting enough or b) too personal to write about.

1. How tall are you barefoot?
Five foot eight.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
No.

3. Do you own a gun?
No.

4. Rehab?
No thanks?

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
Yes, but not hugely. I'm mostly scared of meeting sisters.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I try not to think that much about them, since I do somewhat like them. I'm excited to try a veggie dog, though, and then I won't have to be squeamish.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Carol of the Bells or What Child Is This?

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Juice or hot cocoa. Sometimes coffee, but not often.

9. Do you do push-ups?
I think the better question is, can I do A push-up?

11. Are you vegetarian?
Yes, as of September of last year.

12. Do you like painkillers?
When I'm in pain. We don't like, have a personal relationship, you know.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
My witty repartée and kung-fu skills. Actually, I haven't got one. I think I get lured to them.

14. Do you own a knife?
I have a bunch of plastic butter knives in my top drawer, will that do?

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
What? I mean, no.

16. Birthday?
August 27th.

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
- Why are people mean for no good reason?
- I wonder when I'll be hungry; I want to eat now.
- I wish my homework was done.

18. Name three things you bought recently:
- A birthday card for my mom.
- Shower gel.
- Breakfast - a bagel, a small hot cocoa, strawberries and pineapple.

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:
- Water
- Diet Coke
- Apple Juice
- Odwalla
- Fresca.

20. What time did you wake up today?
Nngh. 9:20.

21. Current hair?
Light brown, in a ponytail, dirty.

22. Current worry?
Impending doom. Er, unfinished homework.

23. Current hate?
My own carelessness.

24. Favorite place to be?
London or Seattle.

25. Least favorite place to be?
Currently, Econ lecture.

26. Where would you like to go?
Anywhere on a whim.

27. Do you own slippers?
Yes, big blue fuzzy ones. I need a new pair, though.

28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
I really don't know right now. Maybe still here, or Europe, but maybe not.

29. Do you burn or tan?
Generally I burn first, then tan. I hope I don't get melanoma.

30. Last thing you ate?
Sesame Tofu.

31. Would you be a pirate?
Only online. I don't think I'd like to be on a galleon for long periods of time and drowning scares me.

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
I had a sip of beer like, a week ago.

33. What 3 songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatever CD is playing. Lately it's been the new Coheed CD.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
The scary sewer monster from the X-Files.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
Chapstick, room keys and my ID card.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Probably Jon talking about his deviant IKEA days.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
I'm not sure. My favorite sheets ever were white jersey.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
I've never had a terrible injury. Broken toes are a real bitch, though, and I've had 4 of those.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
In my dorm, there's 1. In my house, 3.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Maybe Allie or Marie?

42. Who is your most silent friend?
Gosh, I'm not sure. Possibly Chris.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Only if crushes count once they're requited.

45. What is your favorite book?
Ever? Ugh, I don't know. I think my favorite books of my life have been those by Tamora Pierce.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Chocolate Truffles.

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
I still want to wrangle it so that it'd be acceptable to play Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, but I doubt it.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I haven't planned this one out yet.

49. What were you doing 12AM last night?
Getting ready to go back to my room from Jon's.

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 10:06:40 GMT

9 lasts..

9. last cigarette: November-ish?
8. last kiss: About an hour ago.
6. last movie: The Birdcage
5. last cd played: Right now I'm listening to From Under The Cork Tree.
4. last bath: Longer than I remember.
3. last time you cried: Last night.
2. last relationship: Currently ongoing.
1. last purchase: Hmm. New shower gel.

8 have you evers..

8. have you ever dated one of your best friends: Not really.
7. have you ever skinny dipped: No.
6. have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: Yes.
5. have you ever fallen in love: Yes.
4. have you ever lost someone you loved: No.
3. have you ever been depressed: Not in the clinical sense.
2. have you ever been drunk and threw up: No.
1. have you ever run away: Heh, no.

7 states you've slept in..

1. Washington
2. Arizona
3. California
4. New York
5. Lousiana
6. Florida
7. Oregon

6 things you've done today..
1. Went to class
2. Watched CSI
3. Laughed
4. Voraciously checked THE sites.
5. Sent Facebook messages
6. Completed French homework.

5 favorite things to do in no order..

1. Go to new places
2. Be with people who love me
3. Listen to music
4. Surf Wikipedia.
5. Waste time

4 people you can tell anything to

1. Jon
2. Matt
3. I don't know
4. who else

3 wishes..

1. I wish I could change the past
2. I wish I was more inclined to physical activity
3. I wish I could control my life

2 things you want to do before you die

1. Go back to London.
2. Find stability.

1 thing you regret...

1. February-April of 2005

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 06:20:34 GMT

So, I was working on my paper and listening to music, and all of a sudden, Come Downstairs and Say Hello by Guster comes on. I was paralyzed. For literally 5 full minutes I stared down at the keyboard, hand stilled on my mouse, as my stomach dropped into my heels and I remembered all of the connotations that this song has for me.

It's paralyzing to be this vulnerable, and as happy as I am, I'm scared to death. How do people do this over and over?

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 22:51:50 GMT

Since I don't post about my life anymore, I figured at least another music survey would prove that I'm still alive. I blame this on the frequency of my visits to Last.fm.

1. What are you listening to right now?
ABBA - Money, Money, Money

2. What song makes you sad?
Any of the last three songs on the Third Eye Blind self-titled album. The Background, Motorcycle Drive-by, God of Wine.

3. What is the most annoying song in the world
50 Cent - In Da Club. I don't have this one available for download, but I think everyone will get over it.

4. Your all time favorite band?
Third Eye Blind still is, I think.

5. Your newly discovered band is?
Hmm..

6. Best female voice?
Imogen Heap, hands down. Also contenders are Christina Scabbia, Dolores O'Riordan, or even Kelly Clarkson.

7. Best male voice?
I love Serj Tankian's voice a lot, actually. Also Eliott Smith and Steve Snere.

8. Music type you find yourself listening to most?
Heh, commercialized pop-punk. I don't know under which category These Arms Are Snakes, Akimbo and Refused fall, but I've been listening to them too.

11. Last gig/concert you went to?
Meh. The Blood Brothers/Minus The Bear/These Arms Are Snakes/Crystal Skulls.

12. Band you find yourself listening to the most right now?
These Arms Are Snakes.

13. Most hated band?
Bad Religion.

14. Song that makes you think?
Music does not inherently make me think. It sometimes facilitates thought, but I can't think of any specific songs that inspire thought.

15. Band that you think the world should love as much as you do?
The Velvet Teen.

19. Can you play a musical instrument?
I can play piano, but stopped doing it regularly a long time ago and I was never very good.

20. Ever been in a mosh pit?
No, and I'm fine with acknowledging that I'm a wuss.

21. Are you in a band?
Nope.

22. If yes, what kind of music does your band play and what is your role in it?

32. What do you think of Classical music?
I'm particularly fond of the cello and, since my dad is such a fan of classical music, I'm pretty unopposed to listening to it. The same applies to opera, and I do like some opera, especially when Maria Callas is singing.

33. What do you think of Country music?
I grew up listening to country and I have fond memories of it. I don't listen to it now, but I don't have any violent opposition to it and I do still enjoy it when I hear country songs that I used to know.

34. What do you think of Death metal?
I won't say that I will never like it, but for the most part the vocals scare the crap out of me. I can't fault a good death metal band just because they're death metal, but I'm not a fan.

37. Do you listen to music in foreign languages?
Yes. I listen to Gaelic and French language music sometimes.

38. What famous musician would you like to fuck!?
Hmm... Judah Nagler isn't famous really but I am pretty damn fond of him.

44. Do you listen to the radio?
Now when I'm in the car I have to, since my iPod is dead. I haven't listened to radio regularly in over a year.

50. Song that describes your life?
Right now I could be cliché and say Fiona Apple - Criminal, but overall I couldn't pin down one song for my whole life.

51. Do you know the names of all the band members that you listen to?
Typically not, but with some bands I do, or at least know a few.

52. Does a musician’s physical attractiveness play a role in the music that you listen to?
I'm so shallow. Yes, yes it does. I got into The Velvet Teen mostly because their lead singer is attractive, and it was seeing music videos for Third Eye Blind that got me into them, as two prime examples. I'm trying to not do that anymore, though, because it is pretty embarrassing.

53. Favourite movie sound track?
Billy Elliot.

56. What do your parents listen to?
My dad has a pretty extensive and bizarre musical collection. At the forefront are classical and opera, but he also listens to bands like ELO, Heart, Queen, ABBA, Enya, Johnny Cash and lots of other random bands.

65. What is in your walkman/discman right now?
Nothing right now. I haven't listened to portable music in a while.

66. How important is your partners taste in music to you?
Well, I essentially worship my boyfriend's extensive knowledge of music, so that's one point for the important side. I think there would be some difficulty if my boyfriend's musical taste was completely removed from mine, but somewhat different tastes are good for expansion.

68. Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll, you dig?
Not so much. Hearing that phrase kind of gives me the creeps, just because of the sleazy groupie cocaine-snorting Rolling Stones image it creates in my head.

Time for Another Music Meme (or 12)

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 03:34:37 GMT

Everyone on last.fm is doing it, so why can't we? Click the links to download my favorite song by each artist.

#: 311
A: Alison Krauss, Anberlin
B: Blood Brothers, Brand New
C: Coheed & Cambria, The Cranberries
D: Death Cab for Cutie, Dirty Vegas
E: Eliott Smith, Enya
F: The Faint, Fall Out Boy, Frou Frou
G: Goo Goo Dolls, Grandaddy
H: Heart
I: Idlewild, Imogen Heap
J: Jimmy Eat World, Joy Division
K: Kelly Clarkson, The Kinison
L: Lacuna Coil, Live
M: Metric, Minus the Bear
N: Neutral Milk Hotel, The New Pornographers
O: Oasis, Our Lady Peace
P: Pixies, Pretty Girls Make Graves
Q: Queen
R: Radiohead, Rise Against
S: Saves the Day, Sigur Rós
T: Third Eye Blind, These Arms Are Snakes
U: The Used
V: The Velvet Teen, Vertical Horizon
W: Waxwing, Wham!
Y: The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Amending the Last Post

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 05:51:01 GMT

So, I realized there was a better lyric to sum up my 2005/moving into 2006:

"Tomorrow I start in a new direction. I know I've been half-asleep; I'm never doing that again.
I look straight at what's coming ahead and soon its going to change in a new direction."

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 09:04:41 GMT

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?: I fell in love and moved out of my house (at least partially).

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: I don't think I had any for this year, but I definitely have a couple for next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: My cousin's wife, though we're not particularly close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?: No.

5. What countries did you visit?: Ireland, with a quick stop in Denmark.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?: A clean conscience, the ability to speak for myself, and normality.

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: September 4th. The best trip to Starbucks I've ever had.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?: Coming clean to the person who deserved it most.

9. What was your biggest failure?: Being a bad person, really. Doing wrong by someone important and risking fucking up something incredible.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?: Minor illnesses, no injury. Surgery?.

11. What was the best thing you bought?: Yikes... Most of the good things I got weren't purchased by me, and the good things I bought weren't for myself, so... my Ireland scarf. Just for the good memories, I guess. Or my Importance of Being Earnest poster.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?: Jon and Matt's, for dealing with a world of shit that they didn't deserve.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?: My own. Really, this year was not my best.

14. Where did most of your money go?: Food and films and shows.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?: Finding Jon. Going to Ireland. Starting college.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2005?: Minus the Bear - Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!!, Coheed and Cambria - The Suffering, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
1) happier or sadder?: Definitely happier, but also sadder. But mostly happier.
2) thinner or fatter?: Right now, slightly fatter. Overall, the same.
3) richer or poorer?: POORER.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: Being assertive, good to myself and honest with others.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?: Selling myself out and making mistakes.

20. How will you be spending/did you spend Christmas?: In the morning I opened presents with my immediate family, then my aunt/uncle/cousins came up for a big dinner, then I talked to Jon late at night.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?: Yes.

23. How many one night stands?: None.

24. What were your favorite TV programmes?: CSI, Everyday Italian, Jeopardy!, Next, and Passport to Europe.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: I like to claim that I don't hate anyone, but I feel as close to hate as possible toward someone who I did not previously hate, yes.

26. What was the best book you read?: Hmm. Probably The Poisonwood Bible.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: It's hard to claim them as discoveries when many of them were told to me, but I'll list them anyway: THE VELVET TEEN, Minus the Bear, Imogen Heap, Kelly Clarkson, Maroon 5, The Mars Volta, At The Drive-In. There were others.

28. What did you want and get?: Out of my house. A boyfriend, but I feel weird claiming that like an achievement because it was mostly me being very, very lucky. A Netflix subscription.

29. What did you want and not get?: A working iPod! Wah.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?: Meep... Maybe Walk the Line or Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: 18. I actually had a good night out with my friends.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: Being true to myself and not selling out. Being honest.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?: Too expensive to exist.

34. What kept you sane?: My amazing ability to ignore and compartmentalize problems rather than dwelling on them.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: Hmm.. Joaquin Phoenix. Gael Garcia Bernal.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?: The amazingly STUPID "war against Christmas". Just shut up already.

37. Who did you miss?: Me, from back in the days when I wasn't a moron.

38. Who was the best new person you met?: Well, I didn't really meet Matt and Jon in 2005, but I certainly got to know them in 2005 so I think that still counts, and I think the deserve to be considered the best new people I've met, since they actually are.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Don't ever, ever sell yourself short or lower yourself. Always, always hold out for the best, for what will make you happy, because chances are it will come along even if you don't think it will, and when it arrives it should be cherished and treated right and not cheapened by anything from the past.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "It's too late for now, but don't give up."

41. Where do you wish you were right now?: Fairwood.

42. If you could magically make someone appear, who would it be and why?: The cheesiest answer is the truest. Jon.

43. Your mantra for 2006?: Be good to yourself.

44. Your 2006 resolution(s)?: Be good to myself. Think long and hard about things before I make decisions. Think about what I'm allowing to happen in my life instead of just letting it happen and accepting it.

45. Are you in love right NOW?: Yes, right NOW.

46. Did you commit any selfless, random acts of kindness this year?: Not really. I donated money to charities?

47. Did anyone commit a selfless, random act of kindness for YOU?: Probably not kicking me to the curb for the things I've done was selfless, so yes.

48. Are you tired of filling out these things?: If I were, would I be doing it? I live for these things.

49. Would you ever alter or rewrite a 2005 meme for selfish reasons?: I don't think so. They're good for reflecting on.

50. Say something random: I'm sorry, and I promise that I will do better.

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 07:13:36 GMT

Things started off alright - I had to do some negotiating to be able to get out of the house to take gifts to Danika and Jon, but my parents relented and I was able to do so and spend a little bit of time with Jon. However, once 3pm hit, things went downhill at a rather alarming rate.

First, my dad snapped at me for making a joke about my iPod being broken. Apparently it's a "touchy subject" and I shouldn't bring it up, especially in such an irreverent manner. He got over it relatively quickly and I thought things were good.

However, then we had to deal with getting ready for church. Everything always goes fine until about 5 minutes before we have to get out the door, because that's when everyone's trying to get to the foyer to get their shoes on and my grandfather can never fucking find anything or remember what's going on, so it makes everyone stressed out because he gets mad, mistaking his own confusion for some sort of devious sabotage on the part of my family, and my mom and I are just waiting for my dad to start goading him and we're all just trying to leave anyway and there's no room, so someone eventually gets mad.

We get out of the house and to church and again, thing seem fine. I say hi to people I know and make the necessary comments about how much I miss being there and how I wish I was able to come regularly, blah blah blah. We get seats, wait for the service to start, and watch as everyone and their grandmother turns out for Christmas service - the place was empty at 4:30 and they were unfolding temporary chairs to make extra space by 4:45. Ah, the erstwhile congregation is out in force. Anyway, I was already somewhat uneasy because I'm really not fond of being back at my old church. What some of my friends feel when they have to stay with thier families rather than at school, I feel when I have to go to church. It's a part of my past that I was able to cope with and compartmentalize for a long time, but now that I've had freedom from it, I really hate being back there. Being at school and around people who understand my thoughts about my beliefs has made it easier for me to come to terms with my doubts, and having to go back to that need to pretend that I still believe in strict Christianity, no ifs, ands or buts, is hard and uncomfortable and just makes me get my back up. To add insult to injury, or maybe the other way around, we sat directly behind a family with 4 small girls, probably all within a year or two of each other agewise. The eldest girl was a dream, but her younger sisters were terrible, one in particular. She was not quiet for almost the entire service, and her complaints ranged from quiet whining that reached only people within about a 3-foot radius, to high-pitched shrieks that I'm sure the people in the parking lot could hear. I'll never understand the logic of parents who sit in church desperately trying to shush their screaming hellspawn, rather than just taking them out of the sanctuary and leaving everyone in peace. When you're trying to shut your kid up, you're not getting anything from the service anyway and plus, it's making life miserable for everyone around you. Gah.

When we got home, the clincher hit. My mom was quietly out in the kitchen, working on dinner and getting things prepared for tomorrow. My dad goes out to do something and within five minutes is bitching or doing something and my mom finally says "you know, I don't want you in here if you're going to be nasty. I'd much rather do it myself." My dad then proceeds to slam around whatever kitchen utensil he had out, storms out of the kitchen, and is gone for the rest of the night. My mom came in and apologized to me, saying something along the lines of, "It bothers me mostly for you. I want so badly for you to want to be here, but I don't blame you if you never want to come home." I kindof shrugged and told her the half-truth that I do sometimes want to come home and that it's not a big deal. I guess it's not a big deal, mainly because my dad has been pulling this shit for my entire life and I guess it's just something to let pass by like any other of life's normalities. However, she's right that it does make me not want to be home - why come back to rules and arbitrary restrictions when it's not even pleasant? Not much of a choice there, however, so I'll keep on putting up with my dad's crap until I pay my own bills and don't have to keep my mouth shut any goddamn longer.

Dinner took a while to prepare, so it was 8:30 by the time it was ready. Around 8 my grandparents decided to bow out, opting for bed without dinner rather than wait up half an hour past their bedtimes to eat. That left me and my mom alone for the rest of the night. We sat and watched Moonstruck and enjoyed together the meal that should have been a festive family occasion. Some Christmas Eve, but I guess tomorrow hasn't got much of a place to go except up.

Merry Christmas, everyone, and that's sincere. May your holidays be merry and bright.

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 18:12:30 GMT

Set your iTunes to Shuffle. Use each song that comes up, in order, to answer the following questions:

Question: What do you think of me, iTunes?
Answer: Say Anything - Woe
So apparently I really am an emo kid... That or iTunes knows about my night last night.

Question: Will I have a happy life?
Answer: Iron and Wine - Such Great Heights
It appears as though my life will soar to great heights from whence I will not want to come down, though it will be quieter and more soothing than equally high-flying electronica versions of said life.

Question: What do my friends really think of me?
Answer: Keane - Everybody's Changing
This certainly would make sense. This year has been a pretty big change for me and most of my friends, and I imagine that many of them will think I've changed a lot, both in terms of personality and just the type of life I'm now leading.

Question: Do people secretly lust after me?
Answer: Ben Kweller - It's Not Fair
So I can take this one of two ways... My life is not fair because no one lusts after me like they lust after other people, or life is not fair because I get more than my fair share of secret lust. You be the judge, I know what I think.

Question: What should I do with my life?
Answer: The Arcade Fire - Haiti
This too could mean a number of things. Firstly, I'm currently writing a paper on Haiti for my PolS class, so maybe I will go on to become a political science major and be wildly successful. Secondly, my cousin almost married a guy who was going to be a missionary in Haiti, so maybe I will end up giving away all of my worldly goods and go off to life in a cinderblock hut in Haiti, trying to help people. Or lastly, perhaps I will end up like Haiti - the poorest place in the Western Hemisphere. Either way, it looks as though there is a cinderblock hut in my future somewhere.

Question: Why must life be so full of pain?
Answer: Saves The Day - You Vandal
So um.. life is full of pain because of a band of roving barbarians from the Roman times, or because of those goddamn punks on the streetcorner with their spraypaint and their baseball bats. Damn kids. Ruining things for the rest of us.

Question: How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Answer: Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
I guess I'll be joining the Mile High Club, then.

Question: Will I ever have children?
Answer: System of a Down - Toxicity
Well, it sounds like if I have children it'll be poisonous, so I'll take that as a no.

Question: Will I die happy?
Answer: The Kinison - The Way I Used To Be
I guess I'll die the way I used to be... The way I used to be when, you ask? No idea. But since I can't think of any times in my life when I was well and truly unhappy, I'm going to go favorably with this and say that yes, I will.

Question: Can you give me some advice?
Answer: The Test Icicles - All You Need Is Blood
Well, alright then. Relatively self-explanatory, I think.

Question: What do you think happiness is?
Answer: These Arms Are Snakes - Drinking From The Necks Of The Ones You Love
Happiness is clearly vampirism. What more is there to say?

Question: What's my favorite fetish?
Answer: The Spin Doctors - Two Princes
Sounds to me like a threesome with William and Harry!

Question: Am I complete freak?
Answer: Coheed & Cambria - The Willing Well II: Fear Through The Eyes Of Madness
Therefore, I am either a freak for listening to crazy sci-fi falsetto prog rock, or I'm a freak because I'm going mad and paranoid. The prognosis is not good.

I hate these things, so I made one...

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 23:37:59 GMT

You know you want to click...

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 08:52:22 GMT

Well, I guess I haven't updated in a while, so it seems fitting to finally do it. Yep.

Life is.. I don't know. I can't honestly complain and hell, I don't really even want to. 95% of the time my life is amazing - I'm happier now than I've been in longer than I can remember. I see my boyfriend essentially every day and we spend hours together and it's incredible. I've even managed to get over my paranoia about having more invested in this than he does and I feel totally secure and loved and it's just... it's something I've always wanted and never been able to experience.

However, life has a way of putting plenty of little things in the way to burrow under the skin of the giant goodness, and so here I am. There's nothing dire or even really worth much concern, but I'm still happy to complain at the first chance I get. I've got a bunch of stuff due on Thursday and, of course, I've put it off as long as I could so I'll be hauling ass tomorrow to get things taken care of and they'll end up being half-assed and hopefully I'll be able to set them right before it comes back to bite me in the ass.

Also, I have to go home this weekend. Last time I went home I dreaded it for most of the week and it turned out to be actually quite enjoyable, but again I can't shake the feeling of complete disinterestedness and unhappiness at the situation. I just love how my life is when I'm here, so any interruption can't help but be unwelcome. Still, dealing with my parents really has become more and more of an obligation and they don't really seem to make it any easier. I can't tell if I'm overreacting or just not handling the transition back and forth between home and college life, or if things really have gotten harder, but it's still a pain. I really struggle with talking to my dad especially - every time I talk to him on the phone I cringe: I feel like I'm going on trial. I called him the other night and it was immediately like nothing I did was good enough. I got a 93% on my French midterm and pretty much the only thing he said was, "well, now you know what to focus on to do better next time." We talked about me registering for next quarter and the first thing he asked was whether I'd be doing 15 credits because he just can't quite fathom how I didn't take at least 15 this quarter - Jesus Christ, I'm already coming INTO college with nearly 2 years' worth of credits, can't you leave me alone about not throwing myself headfirst into the fire?! Then he talks about how glad he is that I called and how he was "sad" that I didn't call last week. Well, can you blame me for not looking forward to it? Same with this weekend. I tried to make it seem like taking the 167 in the afternoon would be more convenient for me, which it would be, but no, it's how early can I get there on Friday morning so I'll be trekking my shit across campus at like 9 in the morning to catch the bus so I can spend more time with my family and less with my boyfriend and.. ugh. It'll turn out ok but it's just not where I want to be at all anymore. I love my parents, I do, but feeling like I have to be with them makes me want it so very little.

On top of everything, Jon's going to be coming over for lunch/dinner on Sunday, so my stomach's gone all knotty over that as well. I really have every faith that my family will like Jon and everything will go fine there, but I'm terrified that he will end up hating my family and I'll be totally humiliated and just.. wah. If it was just me and my parents I'd be much less worried, but knowing that he'll have to deal with my grandfather not understanding half of what he says and forgetting every other word and with my grandmother asking the same questions 20 times in a row and just.. yeah. I love my grandparents, but there has been a reason that I've had no friends over to our house for about 4 years, and now that I have such a huge emotional investment in it, the stakes are that much higher. The rational part of my brain is perfectly aware that even if the dinner totally bombs, Jon's not going to leave me or hate me, but I just want so badly for everything to be perfect that I'm kind of paralyzing myself and setting myself up for disaster anyway. Wah.

I hit 4000 songs even in my iTunes library today. I love my music so much, even My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy and other less respectable bands. I love it, I love it, and I love getting more of it. Whee.

Jon and I went to an awesome show on Friday (well, it might have been old hat to him, but I thought it was amazing). We saw Heather Duby, Headphones, These Arms Are Snakes and Minus the Bear at Neumo's. I was really looking forward to going back to Neumo's, and the show was just awesome. It's not really worth it to try to recreate all of my happy experiences because it's really not going to translate well into text or even speech, but they played Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!! which we were sure they wouldn't and the performances by the two main bands were amazing and tight and just.. it was awesome. I was so, so excited after MTB's encore because Jon and I were so convinced that Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!! wouldn't be played and I really love that song more than all others and just.. yes. Gush, gush, I'm like a burst water balloon. Actually, the entire weekend was pretty amazing, and since the weekend pretty much lasted from Wednesday afternoon to Monday morning, I can't complain. But Friday, in terms of the concert and everything after, was just indescribable.

I was kind of stressed and unhappy when I started this post, but things have improved immensely in my brain since then and now I can go into tomorrow, with all of its homework and Planned Parenthood appointments and FIG excursions with a clear and cheerful mind.

Goodnight, world.

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 00:06:51 GMT

Gacked from muffinbutt

When you see this, quote Oscar Wilde.

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

:D :D :D

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 23:32:39 GMT

Flowers! He got me flowers! I don't think anyone's ever given me flowers before and it's one of my greatest weaknesses and, guh. I'm so, so happy and how much sillier can I sound, but I'm so overjoyed!