| A fond farewell |
[24 Oct 2006|11:44pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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Hi everyone,
It is at long last and with some trepidation that I have decided to once and for all leave irishmarigold the LJ behind. This has been part of my identity for almost four years and it's pretty weird to think that I am phasing it out of my life, but I think the time has come and I have changed enough that I am ready to leave this behind and go on. I won't be deleting it, but I won't be posting here ever again.
HOWEVER - I have started a new journal and would like to carry anyone and everyone over there. If you are still interested in being LJ friends with me, I invite you to go to woodnote, friend it, and leave a comment at the introductory post. It's a journal that I've invited some non-LJ friends and family to read in order to keep in touch when I'm in Belgium, but I may also from time to time make f-locked posts and so if you have any interest in remaining in touch with me through LJ, please just comment and add me. I'll definitely add you all back!
So in closing, thanks everyone. This LJ hasn't been huge by any means, but it has meant a lot to me and I appreciate people sticking around for my erstwhile use of it. I hope to see you all over at woodnote and if I don't, I hope I understand why.
Goodnight!
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[12 Oct 2006|06:45am] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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music |
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These Arms Are Snakes - Horse Girl |
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So uh... I think I met someone. Yeah, I think I did.
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[14 Aug 2006|01:20am] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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music |
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The Streets - Sharp Darts |
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I should have been in bed hours ago, because I have to work early and I'll be tired tomorrow, but that's okay. And I guess that's kind of the theme of this post - things are okay.
Do you know how good it feels to fly down a hill at night with your windows down and your music loud? It's perfect: the night is warm, the wind is cool and smells like summer, you know all the words to every song and the open road in front of you has a siren song like no other. It seems like nothing can stop you. Not true, of course, because the hill ends and you hit traffic and then there's your exit, but that's okay, because if everything was a downhill fly then pretty soon it wouldn't feel like flying anymore and the CD would end anyway and you'd probably get into an accident trying to switch discs at that speed.
I've come to find that many things in life are okay now; things I previously would have found depressing or one-sided. But there are two sides to every coin and life deals out some killer blows, but then there's the hot EMT who shines a light in your eye to check your pupils while you're lying half-conscious on the sidewalk and he holds your hand on the way to the hospital and then when you're all cleaned up you convince him to have sex with you in the back of the ambulance when he's off for the night. The point is, things even out.
So, I've decided that it's okay that my ex now hates me and blew off our plans for the concert, because out there is a man who will love me one day and I will love him and it will not be tortured and dramatic, but right and happy and we will fit and he won't mind it if I decide that I like his music. Plus, there are few things like being single and on the prowl that are more fun and getting to flirt shamelessly and guiltlessly with whoever catches the eye is a hell of a lot of fun, at least until I find a fit.
It's also okay that I've lost some friends, or that they've drifted onto other things and other people who they care about more, because, well, it's right there: they care more, and maybe those people are more right for them than I was, and maybe the people I have found along the way are more right for me, at least for the time being. Plus, it shows even more clearly who exactly it is that cares about you and really will stick by you, and who you can stick by, and knowing that those people are there and have been for years, even when you were dazzled by things you thought were bigger and better, is heartening like no other.
Maybe all of this is just trivial and when life throws a real wrench into the gears, I won't feel like this, but experiences are relative and four months ago I never would have said I could feel like this about everything that's happened, so I guess the real lesson is that sticking it out is ninety percent of succeeding and eventually, most anything resolves itself into bittersweet and fading memories rather than open wounds and fresh scars. And you know, it's also okay to have a past, because life is trial by error and if anyone can tell you that they like only who you are now, they're lying, because there is no being without becoming and there is no learning without lessons, and all that really does matter is which lesson you learned, not so much how you learned it.
It feels good for tomorrow to be exciting.
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[27 Jun 2006|11:17pm] |
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mood |
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 hot |
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music |
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These Arms Are Snakes - Horse Girl |
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For anyone who isn't already aware, I am leaving tomorrow for New York and will be there until the 8th. See you all in a couple of weeks!
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[23 Jun 2006|01:49pm] |
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mood |
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uplifted |
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music |
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The Velvet Teen - GyzmKid |
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It's true that pain is an inescapable part of life. We will all get hurt, and we will all suffer, and we will all be forced to make the decision to either move on or be low indefinitely. That's not to say that we should not feel sorrow, or acknowledge it, because it is just as much a part of life as the moving forward from it. But there does come a time when sadness is no longer meaningful, when mourning is unproductive and restricting rather than introspective and healing.
I think that time has come. I don't really like it when music changes my way of thinking or when a song can drastically alter my current mindset, I think in part because I'm always afraid that if I personally don't choose to change how I'm thinking, it's not a real change. But I do think that in this case, hearing a song and realizing it's message is true and personally meaningful is okay. Even so, this might sound a little cheesy.
The Velvet Teen just released a new EP, a teaser for their new album coming out in July. I've loved this band since I first saw them and they're the only great memory I have from a bad night at the end of a soured relationship. I got the EP yesterday and I think their new song is going to be one that will stay with me for a long time. It's amazing, the way the tone of a song, written by a total stranger without me in mind can be so wholly uplifting, can generate such hope. But it has. It's the kind of song that makes a sad heart long to love again, and to be excited for when the time comes that someone new is there and deserves all of the passion and love that the lyrics convey.
People don't always fit, and bad things happen and there is fault and pain and anger, but in the midst of all that there is potential, that no matter what bad happens, no matter how much sadness there is, happiness will come again and the misery will have tought us enough to realize that what we have is precious and should be cherished and nourished, and that we need never make the same mistakes twice.
Click to download The Velvet Teen - GyzmKid.
View the lyrics here.
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[23 Jun 2006|11:51am] |
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mood |
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So, he went through and took out all of the pictures of us from his Facebook albums. I guess it was to be expected, but still.
I wish I knew how I felt, but I don't think it's good. Why is this still so hard?
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[28 May 2006|12:05am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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Ok - I know LiveJournal isn't really the best way to reach people, as there are very few people with whom I often communicate who are on LJ, and probably even fewer who read my journal anymore (namely because I never update, so there would generally be no reason). Either way, I feel compelled to make this statement to whomever might be out there in the ether.
I need to stop being what I am, right now. At this point, my hugest fear is being alone, but I realize that if I am going to be alone, I need to do it on my terms, and be able to tackle it instead of just letting it crush me. This last week has been a complete regression for me. I had finally reached a point at which I thought I could be happy, or at least accepting, of the way things are, and the rug got pulled out from under me once again. I have no control anymore of the way I feel and the path I am on, and that scares me. I have always been a strong believer in Eleanor Roosevelt's statement that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and I think in large part that applies to many other parts of life as well. No one is making me feel the way I am, and yet, I cannot seem to pull myself from this rut. The crying, the wishing that I could go back and change things, the inconsolable longing for what is gone and cannot come back, has all reentered my mind and my heart. I have become reobsessed with my situation and have moved further from leaving everything behind and moving forward than I think I have at any other time in the past two months. After all of this time, I have no excuse for my uncontrollable emotions anymore.
So, in an attempt to do at least something to perhaps remove me from this pit that I am in, I am changing my habits. At this point, my entire life reminds me of what I no longer have and it devastates me everytime I go through my normal motions. Therefore, I must find something new for myself, something that carries few or no reminders of what was, something that can maybe push me forward. For the next indefinite amount of time, I will not be checking LJ or Facebook. I don't mean this to be an insult to any of my friends, because I'm not trying to remove myself from your lives and it's not that I'm no longer interested, but the semi-crazed, neurotic refreshing of websites is starting to scare me a little, especially because I know I'm looking for something that isn't going to appear when I refresh the 5th time or the 500th time. I just need to be able to tell people that I'm fine and actually mean it, and right now I am everything but fine. I hope everyone will still be around when I can come back, and if anyone ever needs or wants to talk, my cell phone is on all the time. Thanks, everyone, and I hope that I will be back sooner rather than later, for my own sake as much as anything else.
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[24 May 2006|10:56pm] |
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mood |
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 unstable |
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So, I'd really like to salvage at least some semblance of a social outing this weekend. I'll be in the Kent/Covington area for at least Friday-Sunday and potentially Monday, so if anyone is available, let me know!
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[24 May 2006|07:27pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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So, I guess being made to feel like shit once this week wasn't quite enough. Thanks, world.
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[12 Mar 2006|11:14pm] |
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mood |
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 meh |
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music |
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Millencolin - A-Ten |
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This is a great idea prompted by Kevin. Reminds me of PostSecret, but easier for us non-creative types.
- List 10 things you want to say to people but know you never will.
- Don't say who they are.
- Never discuss it again.
1. You are a complete and utter bastard, but instead of hating you I only hate myself.
2. I feel bad for being cold toward you, but you annoy the hell out of me.
3. I've been smiling and nodding for a long time, and I hate myself for my superior attitude.
4. You use everyone else as an excuse for your own failings. Get over yourself and buck up - the world's not out to get you, so don't flatter yourself.
5. You're lazy and inconsiderate.
6. You were the catalyst for my downward spiral and my name probably never even crosses your mind anymore.
7. I don't care if you had the best of intentions, your practices were and are bullshit.
8. I don't know how to tell you that we've grown apart.
9. You were the shining spot in the darkest part of my life and I'm scared that I'll get forgotten as you progress in your life and your friendships.
10. I will never feel good enough for you, but I will never give you up until you take the first step.
Comments disabled, but I doubt most people would even be able to figure out who's being implicated anyway.
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[03 Mar 2006|08:50pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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CSI |
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Feel free to disregard this, unless you want one of these albums. It's mostly for my own reference.
( A List of Complete Albums On My Computer )
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[01 Mar 2006|04:42pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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Coheed & Cambria - Elf Tower, NM |
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Since I have a French composition and an 8-10 pg. Geography paper due tomorrow, plus a poster to make and 3 finals to study for, I'm doing another meme. Sorry to spam all the f-lists.
Life: Still either a) not exciting enough or b) too personal to write about.
( Now you can know even MORE random facts about me! )
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[13 Feb 2006|10:16pm] |
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mood |
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 frozen |
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music |
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Guster - Come Downstairs and Say Hello |
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So, I was working on my paper and listening to music, and all of a sudden, Come Downstairs and Say Hello by Guster comes on. I was paralyzed. For literally 5 full minutes I stared down at the keyboard, hand stilled on my mouse, as my stomach dropped into my heels and I remembered all of the connotations that this song has for me.
It's paralyzing to be this vulnerable, and as happy as I am, I'm scared to death. How do people do this over and over?
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| Amending the Last Post |
[01 Jan 2006|09:48pm] |
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mood |
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 rejuvenated |
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music |
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The Postal Service - This Place Is A Prison |
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So, I realized there was a better lyric to sum up my 2005/moving into 2006:
"Tomorrow I start in a new direction. I know I've been half-asleep; I'm never doing that again.
I look straight at what's coming ahead and soon its going to change in a new direction."
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[31 Dec 2005|01:04am] |
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mood |
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 reflective |
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music |
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Guster - Come Downstairs and Say Hello |
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( 2005: A Year In Review )
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irishmarigold's journal
frustrated
drained